Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
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“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
💁🏻♂️
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.