Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
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Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
