Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
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Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.