Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

My chiropractor is a crack addict.

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

Hike in groups. Bears like to have options

CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one

Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.

Spider 911: Hello

Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily

Spider 911: That’s not an emer-

Spider: We decided to play Twister

Spider 911: Oh no

Spider: *crying* Help us

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

Me: inside me there are two wolves

Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

Did my fruit just move?

Pear-anormal activity

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me