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How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese