Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
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INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*