Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
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“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
The most accurate map ever devised.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Can’t, holding a grudge
“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight