Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶

– assembling my bike… I was about 6

Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.

Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.

Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?

“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.

Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.

Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*