@markedly

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

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@Dawn_M_

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

@MrsGoose69

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

@AnkCoupleTO

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

@xkattxhca

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

@dznyella

me & my mentally ill friends when we complete small tasks like getting up before noon & completing an assignment

@DaddyJew

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

@Kryzazy

I’m like a cupcake: I’m short, round, mostly sweet and not everyone likes me.

@Daveastated

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

@squirrel74wkgn

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*