Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
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Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right