@markedly

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

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@Daveastated

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!

@sammyrhodes

And the Best McDonald’s Employee of the Month goes to Mad Max: Fury Road.

@ParasiteHilton

“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM

@skylerhanrath

Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

@That_Damn_Duck

Lovey dovey couples look best when viewed through the scope of a high powered rifle.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Ate Frosted Mini Wheats this morning, pooped a mini patio set this evening.

@tangledteatime

An eight year old offered to sell me drugs. Isn’t that disgusting? Why would I pay when I can just beat him up and take them? He’s EIGHT.

@Just__J0

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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?