If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
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Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
me & my mentally ill friends when we complete small tasks like getting up before noon & completing an assignment
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I’m like a cupcake: I’m short, round, mostly sweet and not everyone likes me.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*