Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”

IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends

challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen

What’sApp

Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …

*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*

Mom: Fish, honey!

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver

You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t know me at all do you?”

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..