Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
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When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
We don’t deserve birds.
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working