Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
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Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk