Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
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Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it