Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
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I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
ew if literal: let me be clear
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No