Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
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I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
wife: what are you thinking about
guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Omg 🤣
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher