Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
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Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…