Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
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So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.