Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!

Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY

Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

“Huge”.

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

Colleague: any children?

Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids

Wife: We’ve got 3 kids

Me: I stand by what I said

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.

My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out

the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.

If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen