Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
You Might Also Like
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
HERE’S MARKY
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”