Mapping America’s Far Right
You Might Also Like
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I think we should hear other voices.
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.