Mapping America’s Far Right
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[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
12653.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Venn
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Math at Halloween.
White parent Vs Arab parents