Mapping America’s Far Right
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it’s either covid or clever vampires
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Gemma Correll
