Mapping America’s Far Right
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“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
going to bed
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.