Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
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EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
pls suprot
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
when mom throws a party…
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
“We will wed,” I threatened
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.