Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
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Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
When news reporters do sports stories
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
(Musicians.)
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
My favorite female superhero
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”