Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
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*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
🛁
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.