Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10

Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.

If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.

Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.

reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke

not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*