Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

Just say no

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?

“Sorry my phone died”

-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened

Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.

Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look

A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage

Lunatics are gonna loon.

Me: We need some ham.

Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.

Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.

why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!