Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.

If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.

Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.

His name was Frank

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys

Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?

If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old

my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside