Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.

BANK MANAGER: Get out!

Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

💀

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.

me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar

Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.