Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

😭😭

[getting arrested for public nudity]

Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD

Me: …

Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD

“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

me linking you to my twitter

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.

liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks

me: [to waiter] horse please

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

Big Sex has us all fooled

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.

The address:

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?