Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is

I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:

I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.

Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.

[inventing that little handle inside the car]

engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?

Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.

There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*

When you can’t find your friend Neil