Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
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[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me