Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
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Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
How do horror writers compete with current events?
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy