Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

Come back after dark. Bring your friends

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.

Librarian: Oh, like the author!

Me: Huh?

Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!

Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.

Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?

The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.