Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of

me opening up to someone

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.

I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude

If Mona Lisa was on Instagram

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now