Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am

Daughter-you awake?

Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?

Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.

Waiter: What can I get you?

Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

Morning my dudes.