Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.

Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.

here we go again

[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

Why is my life so hard?!!

~Me, trying to open a jar .

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

Actually cracking up @ this

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.