[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
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I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.