March 16
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You deplete me
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
My current situation
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
TRAIN’S HERE
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut