Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.

[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]

Date: The wine is lovely great choice

Me: *helplessly slips off chair*

Boss: Did you get my email?

Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.

I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

Natural selection at its finest

If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?

Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]

6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

Flowers bee like

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!

8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion

Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.