Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

The secret to work life balance is generational wealth

Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next