Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.

I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

[marriage counseling]

She’s always getting mad at me

“There’s a shark living in our pool”

IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!