Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

“you look easy to draw”

Me: Do that thing I like.

Husband: Soaks dishes.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice

I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”

It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.

Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL

A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!

Him:

Me:

Him: that’s a plastic produce bag

Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!