Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it

Her: idk google it

Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting

Her: *googling DIY annulment*

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

Boss: you look a bit lost

Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you

Boss: About what

Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening

He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.

Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.

[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.

Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.

Me: Chocolate?

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing

It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.

Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.