[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
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People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.