Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
March: Complete Lockdown
April: 70s bush is back
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Smallpox sounds so adorable
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
M: And olive oil?
M: And baby oil?
*I turn out the lights and leave
Masks hanging from the rearview mirror are the new fizzy dice.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.