Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[rollercoaster]

HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.

my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”

Me being confident.

I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

I beg your pardon?

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…

NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE

Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?

me: she thought she could fly

wife: did you yell at her?

me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.

They’re millennial falcons.

*Sweeping the floor

Lower back: “Time to go out!”

Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”

Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”

*cries hunchbackedly

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person