March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
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A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house