Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cat 911: what ur emergency

my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door

cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs

Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

Pringles

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”

suspect: what?

lawyer: no further questions your honor

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp

Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—

Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO

Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.

Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.