@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
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I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Never forget.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
Voting for coroner
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes