@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
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By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.