Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER

Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book

After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”

Going to work bro it’s Wednesday

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?

Me: That I’m here.

Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-

Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.