Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
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True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
(Jupiter –
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
lmaaaaaooooooooo
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”