Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
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Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I bet
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica