Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!

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They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.


me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there


Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.


Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed


So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.



H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?

M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.


[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned


I knew I was in trouble when the lady doing my nails shouted “WHO DO YOUR EYEBROW?!”


My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.