Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
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Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend