Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
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Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.