Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
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I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
God has abandoned us.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
me: it’s bedtime.
my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate