Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
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i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
⚰
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.
10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*