Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
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I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
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HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
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People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.