Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
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*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
so weird how every mom was born today
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”