Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

Body: time to fall asleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

[hospital]

me: what happened

doctor: you were in a terrible car accident

me: am i going to be ok

doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard

Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

90’s style insults need to come back.

Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili

My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.

Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.