Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”

“Brochure”

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”

Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks

Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

Horrifying if literal: shit storm

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.