@Pork_Chop_Hair

Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?

Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!

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@AristotlesNZ

Cop: “You been drinkin?”
Me: I’m going to dinner w/my wife’s mom & 94yo granny
“You’re free to go..”
Come on dude. Can’t you just arrest me?

@Brianhopecomedy

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

@kelkulus

The coolest part of the bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

@tarashoe

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever

@ScobeyWanKenobi

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

@AnniemuMary

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

@serialstealer

I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.

@muskrat_john

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

@Staggfilms

Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

@UncleDuke1969

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.