Cop: “You been drinkin?”
Me: I’m going to dinner w/my wife’s mom & 94yo granny
“You’re free to go..”
Come on dude. Can’t you just arrest me?
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I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
The coolest part of the bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.