Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
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*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
A Match(.com), but for socks.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.