Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
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Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.