Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
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“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
mumsnet is amazing
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you