Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.

YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing

Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?

[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend

Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!

damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me

[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]

friend: holly shit. everything is gone

me: i’m gonna try out for the nba

friend: what

me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it

Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.

Canadian up.

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

there are only 2 generations:

-America’s Funniest Home Videos

-Tik Toks

My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.

If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.

I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!

Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.