Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.

Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!

Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.

Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

Cashier: I love your lip gloss!

Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.

They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.

If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

This hospital has everything

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now