Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
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* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.