Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
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Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.