mariah carrie
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Why do we never do that thing we never did anymore?
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Never go to sleep after making me angry
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?