mariah carrie
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I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.