Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

👀

Will you be my 14th most used emoji?

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.

Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[Later]

Them: So how did you two meet?

Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

Wolves should really raise more people.

Stop being $50 to eat, food.

I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me

Peach Farmer: sure

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free

Peach Farmer: well just hold on now

You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.

*reads your timeline*

Or maybe not