Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

File under excellent bookstore names.

Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.

Me: You’re welcome.

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance

I often wonder who Pete is…

and why we do things for his sake…

“Stop hitting me.”

-Rock bottom.

Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

How your email finds me

It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.