Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

I lost my little toe in a wood chopping accident. It was replaced with a rubber prosthetic. My friends now call me Roberto.

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.

ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.

THERAPIST: Who?

ME: *points at myself* This idiot.

Virtual school adventures

6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.

Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.

6: Can i watch something on my tablet?

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭