Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*

Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…

People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?

A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above

Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%