Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this could fix me

The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.

*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom

Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute

Me: She’s my…. Thank you

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft

Every Adele song is about lasagna.

Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board

cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

The Friday File.

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.