Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
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Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
wow
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
me watching my own Instagram story
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Introverted vegans go meetless
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station