Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
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How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
[7 AM at the grocery store]
Me: Wow all the old people are out early.
Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank