Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.

6-year-old: You lose.

Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.

6: That was your first mistake.

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.

“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.

Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.

Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!

[Running out of gas in the desert]

Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.

Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.

Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

Spa day..😅

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.

*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*

INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-

*closes browser*

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh

Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.