Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.

🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️😩

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

#inspiration #foodforthought

With this onion ring, I thee fed

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!

HIM:

HER:

HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

How software testing works

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad