Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

Surely it must be just Zealand by now.

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

Me: I love the 90s!

Grandparents: we have names

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

beauty:

beast:

beauty: *sips tea*

beast: *sips tea*

beauty:

beast:

beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—

beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

No one:

My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?

“Queuecumbers”.

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

“WHAT DO WE WANT”

“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”

“SOMETIME SOON”