MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
You Might Also Like
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
This checks out
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
I already tried new things thanks.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.